Communication with kids (in sport)
How to talk so they respond and how to respond when they talk
As you probably know, parenting is full of several fast switches. One day, you are your child’s center focus and suddenly, you are in competition with newcomers who guide them on best life practices. The cause of this diversion of power usually stems from their peers, but if you are raising an athlete, the sway can come from several other sources including teammates, coaches and support staff.
These varying opinions can increase their mental exhaustion and decrease their desire to communicate; leaving the athlete unable to give more than a grunt or an eye-roll for an answer. Even though grunts and eye-rolls are frustrating, it is commonly a front put-up from mental fatigue. They still need guidance to make the right decisions. To still be influential and not “annoying,” you may need to communicate in a different way. Simply adjusting both timing and words will weaken this front and re-open communication. Here are a few guidelines:
Take a back-door approach
To prevent, or break down, the idea that it is us (parents) against them (kids) as so many budding teens assume, start talking to your child positively about their friends. Begin a conversation by asking about their friends while incorporating words of care and consideration. Asking, “How is your friend doing? I have not seen them in a while - have you? Do you still talk to them?” are non-threatening approaches to build communication trust.
They may ask why you are curious. An easy response is to compliment the friend with simple statements such as, “I always liked the way you played together, they made practice fun, they are talented, funny…”and so forth.
They may not want to engage the first few times you ask, but eventually it will break down tension, so they become more comfortable sharing thoughts. The most important part of this communication technique is to center questions around their friends, until your child chooses to bring themselves into the conversation. This will also provide insight on the types of pressures they are sensing from others. This same process can be used with coaches and support staff.
Consistently plant seeds with confidence
It is common to want to give-up because you think your child is not listening. Stay persistent when teaching your child about good moral or family origins, even though you may not make an impression on the first try, you are planting a seed. This seed needs time to absorb “nutrients” and settle before sprouting into apparent action. Approaching this process with confidence will expediate the impression as well as send a message of importance.
Avoid reacting and instead empower
We often view our parenting efforts as “just trying to help,” and then become overly frustrated when our kids do not see it the same way. Our frustrations then get the best of us and we may dip into derogatory questions such as, “How come you always do that?!” or “How come you just can’t….?!” Remember a derogatory question is not a question at all, it is an insult. At the time it may seem like it is getting a message across, but it often does more harm than good. Instead, pause and express your collected ideas with the point of the conversation in mind. Then, ask them for their suggestion/thoughts and if they have a plan. It is also helpful to have them text/write-down 3 thoughts about the situation. Be sure to take time to process their responses to avoid any more knee-jerk reactions. This process empowers your child by feeling involved in the conversation and encourages them to think more proactively.
Visit issues with less tension by “linking”
It is natural to stop listening/communicating when we sense an oncoming uncomfortable conversation. For kids, common topics they avoid are those with several steps or no immediate gratification: grades, levels in sport, studying or intense training. One way to visit important but sensitive issues with your child, is to use their past positive efforts and outcomes within the beginning of your dialogue. So instead of saying, “When will you get your grades up?” mention an example of something that they worked hard to earn and are proud of, then link it to the current situation. Linking generates motivation by using past experiences, which increases familiarity and lowers anticipatory anxiety.
Blend your day into the conversation and ask only specifics about theirs
When kids are tired, usually the last thing they want to do is mentally review their day. Sometimes relieving tension first by talking about things such as your day or certain current events, will make it easier to then ask specifics about their day.
Try and avoid a general question about the entire practice such as, “How was practice?” which requires them to mentally revisit the full practice and pick out things to report. Instead, be specific with questions like “What kind of conditioning, stretching, drills, new techniques, corrections etc., did you work on?” Asking about specifics makes it less taxing on their brain.
Finish the conversation with plans that you both can be involved in – events with family, friends and so forth. This provides an opportunity to talk about ideas on a parallel level and provides reminder that the most important influence should stem from healthy, family values and communication.
